Some things are better left unsaid

This blog is pretty much a talk-to-myself corner, but that's okay.
Except maybe my soulsis - who's the only one with the link.

I just want to get my thoughts straight and be able to think again.
(The probability of that is quite low - I just learnt it in math, I would know)

So, you know how there are people of different genders that get along so well - just as friends?
It's like, you see a girl just casually talking to a guy on the street, or a bunch of girls and guys hanging out together at Starbucks.
It's completely normal.

Not for me, it isn't.

Ever since I was young, I have been bad at communicating with boys.
I can't look them in the eye, nor talk without stumbling over my words.

Over the years, I have been improving!
Boys talk to me now.
Sometimes self-initiated, though.

However, most of these conversations are through texts.

I'll just get to the point now.

I needed help with my revision. There was this question I just couldn't understand.
Thus, I sought help from a classmate. A boy classmate.
He helped me, I was grateful.

But it didn't end there. No, it didn't.
He started texting me daily, using my first text as an excuse to continue and start conversations.

He'd ask if I needed help, and at first I thought he was just being nice.
But as time passed, it all became so obvious. And I didn't know how to handle it.

It felt as if I was leading him on, somehow.
It wasn't as if he liked me or anything though, I'd lie to myself.

Then he said it. He straight up confessed that the girl he fell for...

was me.

It wasn't that I didn't like him, I just didn't like like him.
And I didn't want to think about boys after getting my heart foolishly broken (so cliché, right??)

But that wasn't worst part, oh, no.
The worst part was that my friend has a major crush on him.

And I'm the only one she's told.
The only one she's trusted with her secret.

If she ever found out...I don't want to finish that thought.

I wish he'd never told me how he really felt.
I wish I could look him square in the eye and talk normally again.
Even though it was obvious and I could tell...some things really are better left unsaid.
Because then there wouldn't be proof
of how messed up of a friend I am.

I just don't know what to do.

Always fangirling,
Fangirl